kansattica


Awesome in Kansattica

Keepin' it Surreal


Bore-blarg!
kansattica
Well, I posted this somewhere else first, but I figured I might as well stick it here, seeing as how I haven't updated here in forever.

An abriged list of things to do when bored.
  1. Pretend you wrestled a bear one time.
  2. Wear a funny hat, stand on one hoof an' whistle 'Camptown Races'.
  3. Write a story about the time you wrestled a bear.
  4. Write a story about the time I wrestled a bear.
  5. Grow a moustace.
  6. Grow a FABULOUS moustache.
  7. Shave your moustache.
  8. Have an ADVENTURE!
  9. Talk to me (I get bored too, bros).
  10. Try to find the most WTF thing you can on YouTube. (I find this to be a good start: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LvIG7MDSys )
  11. Try to absorb too much pony. (Note: This is IMPOSSIBLE.)
  12. Draw a picture.
  13. Draw a picture of the time you wrestled a bear.
  14. Draw a picture of the time I wrestled a bear.
  15. Beatboxing.
  16. Make a list of things to do when bored.
  17. Speak in a British accent. (Pip pip, cheerio, Big Ben, bad teeth, jolly good marmalade). 
See you next time, when our topic will be 'Things not to do when drinking paint'

Actual-Blarg!
kansattica
Finally: A real update, albeit one that doesn't have a lot of fanfare and build-up. Anydangways (haven't used that in a while), here's my list of bad things to say after bursting into a room and shouting, "It's okay! I'm..."

A robot
Aquaman
Delicious
From the future
Probably sushi
A fishmonger
Two fishmongers stacked on top of each other to form Double Fishmonger, the final boss of Stage Seven: Undersea Fish Market
Secretly very lonely
A cat person
A butcher
A baker
A candlestick maker
A time lord
Delivering a pizza
Standing on my head
Thirty percent titanium by volume
Not a doctor
Really good at holding my breath. Like, super good. You don't even know.
A poet
A telecommunications company
Mercury, the closest planet to the sun
Battery-powered
Fabulous
A blogger
A wizard
Not a wizard
A wizard-in-training
The end of the list

Up next: Another Max Power and Trent Steele story.To hold you over, here's a picture of a cartoon alligator dressed as a wizard.

GatorWiz

Mine-o-blarg!
kansattica
Hey readers! Minor (un-funny) update:

If you like what I'm doing here, go here and hit the 'generate button'. Then leave the window open while you do something else. That's it, but here's the topic of my next post is 'Bad things to say after bursting into a room and shouting 'It's okay, I'm..."

Pre-blarg!
kansattica
Attention readers! Exclusively here and nowhere else (except the wordpress) for the first time, I present to you the SECRET ORIGIN of MAX POWER and TRENT STEELE.

Int. DAY: SAINT BLARGMATIC'S HOSPITAL
ABOUT TWENTY OR SO YEARS BACK

We open on DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ coaching a PREGNANT MS. STEELE and MR. STEELE (not pregnant, but slightly pudgy).
Close-up on DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ's sweaty face as he shouts.
DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ: Push, Ms. Steele! Push!
Close-up on MS. STEELE.
MS. STEELE: I'm pushing as hard as I can!
Camera pulls back to show that DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ and MS. STEELE are really trying to roll an unusually fat patient out of a hospital bed. They eventually succeed when someone drops a gummy worm outside, and the patient runs to get it. MS. STEELE climbs onto the bed.
DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ: Now, let's get that baby out of you.
DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ drags a large machine from off screen labeled "BABY EXTRACTOR AND PUDDING DISPENSER"
MR. STEELE: What happened to all the shouting and making her push?
DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ: Oh, we don't do that anymore. Now, we get babies AND delicious pudding, or if you prefer, it'll give porridge directly to the local orphanage for ugly children!
MS. STEELE: Can we give pudding to the orphans?
DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ: No! Didn't anyone tell you anything about anything? Orphans, especially ugly ones, explode upon contact with pudding!
MS. STEELE: Well, I guess we'll do the porridge then.
MR. STEELE: But I wanted puuuding!
MS. STEELE: Then we can have another baby later, but now let's give porridge to those homely orphans!
DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ (holding baby): While you two were talking, I went ahead and extracted the baby and gave porridge to the orphans.
MS. STEELE: Yay! Can I hold my baby?
DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ (handing her the baby): Sure. Have you thought of a name?
MR. STEELE: Punchmaster MacVenganceburger!
MS. STEELE: No, we're naming him Trent. Trent Steele.
MR. STEELE: But you got to decide what to do with the pudding!
MS. STEELE: No. His name is Trent. You get to choose the radio station on the way home AND you get to name three of my toes.
MR. STEELE (pouting): Fine.

Cut to YOUNGER MARTHA'S ORPHANAGE FOR UGLY CHILDREN. We see a AVERAGE-LOOKING ORPHAN walking away from the door.

YOUNGER SAINT MARTHA: Sorry, Johnny. You're just not homely enough.

Cries of  "Yay!  Hospital porridge!" arise from the inside of the building.




And of course, that baby Trent Steele grew up to be PRESIDENT GERALD FORD. The AVERAGE-LOOKING ORPHAN eventually became SAINT MARTHA of SAINT MARTHA'S ORPHANAGE. YOUNGER SAINT MARTHA eventually became the MAX POWER and TRENT STEELE we all know and love. DOCTOR RODRIGUEZ went on to become filled with ZOMBIE ROBOT LEPRECHAUN VELOCIRAPTORS. The UGLY ORPHANS eventually became Polish film director ANDRZEJ WAJDA. MR. AND MS. STEELE eventually retired to the moon with MS. STEELE's toes, Battlecat, Professor Duck, and Steve 2: The Revenge, after shoving one too many beans up their noses during the Great Bean Shortage of the year JXQ7. The beans could not be reached for comment. BABY EXTRACTOR AND PUDDING DISPENSING UNIT FLURP-MILLION eventually became stapler inspecting sensation, INSPECTOR NUMBER KEVIN.

Stress-o-blarg!
kansattica
Readers: I wrote this a while ago, but didn't post it because it isn't my best work. Here it is anyway, because I haven't updated in a while.

This SUNDAY SUNDAY SOMEDAY! It's the tri-area COMPETITVE STRESS CHAMPIONSHIP! BE THERE BE THERE BE THERE for the BITING RIVALRY between the NEW ENGLAND PENCIL CHEWERS and the NEW HAMPSHIRE NAIL BITERS! The stress crawls down to the wire when the Chewers' Power Whiner Brett Fakename worries about THE ECONOMY. You'll be on the front three eighths of your seat when Biters' Moan Center Franklin Whatfer moans about his LACK OF JOB SECURITY. Recoil in HORROR as New England's Worry Forward loses sleep over OIL PRICES. This weekend, get in for HALF PRICE when you bring in A CLUMP OF YOUR HAIR THAT FELL OUT. BE THERE! BE THERE! BE THERE! this SUNDAY SUNDAY SOMEDAY.

Don't worry! This is filler until I release the next installment of The Velociraptor Diaries or Max Power and Trent Steele!

Updateoblarg!
kansattica
 Attention readinators! I have updated the Awesome Name Generator with several new names! Check it http://awesomenamegen.sourceforge.net/! Go get it!

Recruit-o-blarg?
kansattica
Attention readers! I am starting to push for new readers to this here blog! To facilitate this, I will award ONE MILLION POINTS to anyone who attracts more readers to this blog! Refer more new readers and win INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC PRIZES! Prizes SO AMAZING, you might not even be able to percieve them! You'll question whether or not they really exist, because they don't! Consult the amazing space table below!


Membership LevelReferralsReward
Lickspittle1Some spittle to lick.
Moderately Impressive5A warm, fuzzy feeling.
Well, look at you, mister/miss fancy pants12THE HIGH SCORE.
Captain Referral50A copy of our home game.
President Referral100A donation to the Royal Kansattican Blogservation society has been made in your name.
Captain President Electric Referral II: The Revenge: Electric Boogaloo5,000You are quite obviously a liar, a cheat, and an accountant. You will be personally beaten by an invisible man made out of... I don't know... beans? Not like you'll ever know, he's invisible, you lying cheat. 

Nameoblarg!
kansattica
Well, readers, here follows a formula for generating AWESOME NAMES. Choose one name from each column for your new AWESOME NAME.  If the response is generally positive, I'll write a name generator for either this or the band name generator. Vote in the comments!


TitleFirst NameLast Name PrefixLast Name Suffix
SirMaxFightDoom
CaptainReginaldRougeMaster
AdmiralFlameAngelCaster
GeneralHunterRunePunch
SargeantLeoIronDream
MajorGhostSteelBattler
DoctorShakeLoneNoble
ProfessorPunchGoldDragon
 KickPunchDemon
 LaserMcSpell
 RiverVioletKiller
 SaberLaserShanker
 KatanaRoseGuard
 DickSoulShadow
 DrakeLightFiend
 HawkLightningSeeker
 HankKnightRouge
 TsunamiRavenLust
 StarCrowStorm
 
EDIT: Name generator is UP on SourceForge here! Please move all discussion about it to the forums there.
It's packaged as a Windows .exe, and you might need the C++ redistributable, available here
 

Press-o-blarg!
kansattica
 Attention readers! You can also find this here blog on WORDPRESS! It's not like a laser press, or a grape press, or even a beard press! It's a word press! It contains all of the exact same everything that this blog does! The exact same content! Just Wordpress-ier! You can find it at kansattica.wordpress.com!

I'll be importing the posts and comments from here to the wordpress periodically. Please note, however, that the WordPress comments get wiped and replaced by the ones from here every so often, so if you want your comments preserved, put 'em here!

Adfly URL: adf.ly/221221/wordtime 
and
adf.ly/221221/wordtimebanner

Musiblarg II: Land with the Band
kansattica
Readers: I present to you another list of band-style names! Relish in them! Or mayonnaise in them! Either way!

Acciedental Explosion Committee
Grammatical Error Rectifiers
Probable Secret Alliance
Alliance for the Prevention of Rehydration Attainment
Pastry Force Twelve
Easily Ignored Problem
Aqueous Boycott
Proudly Ingorant
Undead Drunken Cowboy
Terrifying Message of Hope
Spud Grabbers
Endorsement Not Implied
May Cause Cremation
Fuzzy Buddy Squadron
Shank the Beef
Island of Pain
Oxygen Contribution
Photosynthesis Reupholstry Squadron
Reanimated Cartoons
Swift Retribution Towards Pancakes
Definite Strings Attached
Lawnmower Mortality Rate
Hamster Independent Film
Dancing with Utah
Premiere of Muffin Flavinoids
Intrinsic Marshmallow Evacuation
American Society for Candied Anteaters
Bread Flavored Shake and Bake
Arnold's Secret Silvernoids
Attack Pattern Beta
Candification Board
Yam Council
Kobolds with Sticks
Beard Hairnet
Moustache Laser
Light Emission by Stimulated Eradication of Ridicule
Five Nickels
At Least Twelve
Alcoholic Root Beer
Butter Is Yellow
Going to State
Beef Bus Charter
Day One Milkfat
Rancho Potato
Crotch Spit Attack
Meat Rambling Squadron
Taser Alert Squad
Unnecessary Voweles
Burrito Consumption Alliance
Just a Hijacking
Tournament of Butter Competence
Selectric Avenue
Typewriter Computation Squadron
Visibly Invisible
Probably Sushi
Eye Laser Jamboree
Crystal Dragon Diety
Kim Vengance and the Cool Name Brigade

Tune in next time when our topic will be 'One Million Uses for a Giant Foam Rubber Paper Clip". See you then.

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